I recently read something that grabbed my attention: “Placing boundaries without employing consequences is simply nagging” (John Townsend). Although not completely foreign, the words used by this author required that I bend the terms through a different prism. My former definition of “nagging” hadn’t extended beyond an undesirable increased intensity of asking for the same thing. I had never considered nagging as it relates to boundaries.
Townsend’s definition demands that I be an active participant in the request by being prepared to alter my behaviour in some way should the request not be acknowledged. Now in the world of parenting, this is basic behaviour modification: “First you clean up your room, and then you can go to the park”—and following through with it. However, pulling this off in adult relationships can, at first glance, feel like one is creating a power differential in what is supposed to be a partnership. However, this view negates the other. This statement must also recognize that the other can make decisions for themselves and they too have boundaries.
Acknowledging each other’s boundaries provides a space to see where one stops and the other begins. It requires that expectations are articulated, understood, negotiated and agreed upon. It means that when one individual doesn’t hold up their end of the bargain, that they are held accountable (and expect to be).
This is hard. Really hard because it requires that we slow down and respect both ourselves and the other EQUALLY. We respect our “yes” as much as their “no”. This means being vulnerable and talking about our needs with each other. It means being okay with expanding how we problem solve to meet these needs (e.g., accessing help outside of the relationship; limiting commitments; altering standards/expectations). And it means following through with the natural consequences when boundaries aren’t respected. This last point can feel uncomfortable but it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone because it should have already been talked about.
It is important to note that boundaries start with the individual (and not the couple, family, colleagues, etc.). Knowing who you are is critical. Otherwise you will eternally be at the mercy of others and being denied the pleasure of getting to know you. This could bring on an entire new discussion about “people pleasing” and “co-dependency”, but I will stop here.
If you would like to read more about boundaries, John Townsend has several books on the topic (please note that he is a Christian author and incorporates Christian values into his writing). My fellow wives might also enjoy the book “Fed Up” by Gemma Hartley (a humorously validating yet challenging book about how wives in North America can view husband engagement within the family). If you are reading this and believe that you may benefit from counselling, please email me at diane@speakwithdiane.com to arrange telephone discussion to see if I would be a good fit. And if we aren’t, I’m happy to support you in finding someone that would be.
Please note: This post is intended to discuss boundaries using a “wide brush”, but I appreciate that it does not apply to every situation. Safety must always come first. Please seek support should you feel unsafe. In London, you can contact ANOVA 24/7 at 519-642-3003.
Comments