The Friend You Never Wanted (But Can't Ditch)

I don’t know about you, but the voice in my head often talks to me like the friend I never wanted. She goes off about my failures, how I’m going to fail, and calls me all kinds of descriptive names that I would prefer not say. She discourages me from trying new things—so to avoid making a fool of myself because, well, I’m not good enough. All in all, the voice in my head is the biggest “nay sayer” and critic in my life.

So you can imagine how surprised I was to learn that almost all of us experience the same chatter—thanks in part to genetics. Thousands of years ago, our ancestors may have embraced this friend. Wandering uncharted areas may have result in being eaten by a tiger or being vulnerable to injury. Individuals that “played it safe” lived to see the next day. And because they lived to see another day, they passed their genetic coding that encouraged their off-spring to avoid risks.

The problem is, this “friend” no longer needs to protect us from tigers. There isn’t the same physical risk that there once was. Unfortunately, though, no one told our genes. They are still acting in the way that kept our ancestors alive. The big news is that we don’t have to believe or accept the words of this “friend” anymore then if it was being expressed by anyone else. This “friend” isn’t spewing gospel truth. In fact, it’s often just noise. I get to chose what I incorporate into my identity. They key, however, is not getting swept away by the chatter. It’s about slowing things down enough to notice the noise and recognize it as a thought or feeling.

For example, “I notice that I’m having the thought that I’m fat” rather than simply accepting “I’m fat”. Or “I notice that I’m feeling sad” rather than being totalized by “sadness”. Although a linguistic trick, it can help create some distance to recognize that this voice doesn’t define, own, or dictate who YOU are. You get to do that.

If you are interested in reading more about this, a couple of books that I’ve recently enjoyed include: “Emotional Agility” by Susan David and “Chatter” by Ethan Kross.

Alternatively, if you would like to connect to see if I might be a good fit for you for counselling services, please don’t hesitate to send me an email.